An Open Letter to Hollywood

Dear Hollywood,

We, the moderately intelligent viewers of your films, would like to ask a favor: Please stop with the diarrhea of special effects.

We get it, Hollywood. You like your new toys. And now that you've played with them for the past decade, please lay off for a while, will ya? Not to lecture, but please try to wrap your dollar-sign addled brain around the idea that visual effects are simply meant to add to the dramatic impact of the film. Special effects are the means, not the ends. They are there to augment, not replace, the core artistic and entertainment values like story, character, and theme.

Hollywood, do you honestly believe that Jaws would have achieved the same powerfully thrilling effect if the audience saw a CGI shark constantly peppered throughout the entire film? If you think the answer to that question is "Yes," well, then, I direct your attention to the unintentionally hilarious Deep Blue Sea.

Please, listen to one of your own. The late, great Alfred Hitchcock revealed the difference between surprise and suspense, and it's certainly applicable today. If a bomb hidden under a table suddenly goes off, that's surprise. But if the audience already knows there's a bomb under the table, but doesn't know when it will go off, well, that's suspense.

Of course, Hitchcock said that to Francois Truffaut thirty years ago. Today, the movie wouldn't just have a bomb going off under the table. It would be a tactical nuclear bomb that transforms everybody within a one-mile radius into evil CGI zombies that eat man-flesh and fornicate with other little CGI monsters with two CGI heads.

Modern movies stupidly rely on sudden surprises to jolt the audience into a momentary, fleeting emotional response, and unfortunately that's what most special effects are used for. But real satisfaction comes not from effects-driven jolts, but from a more sustained feeling that is driven by more compelling values I mentioned earlier.

So, pretty please... with sugar on top. Cut it the fuck out.

Sincerely,
CP

Tuesday

Ugh. It's Tuesday. I'm sorry, but it's an utterly pointless day. For once, I think Newman got it right:

Kramer: What's today?

Newman: It's Thursday.

Kramer: Really? Feels like Tuesday.

Newman: Tuesday has no feel. Monday has a feel. Friday has a feel. Sunday has a feel....

Kramer: I feel Tuesday and Wednesday...

Jerry: All right, shut up the both of you.