The Iliad for Dummies

Troy
*****

Wow. What can I say? One might say that this film serves as The Complete Idiot’s Guide to the Iliad, but that would be an insult to idiots everywhere. I say that both as an accused idiot, and as a huge fan of quasi-historical epics. I loved Gladiator, Spartacus, Ben-Hur, and Braveheart. But Troy was an abomination. Bad directing, mediocre acting, and a horrible screenplay. Someone should have petitioned Wolfgang Petersen to go out on a high note and stop making movies after the nearly-perfect Das Boot.

The writing. My God, man, the writing. Try to imagine if a line like this one were found in Braveheart: (Helen, to Paris) “Last night was a mistake.” Dialogue like that makes me give serious thought as to whether the writing staff of Sex and the City teleported back to the 10th Century B.C. And, since the movie did well in the theaters, it appeared to have worked. Unfortunately, it also seemed to have signaled the death-knell of the historical epic, as viewers of the vomit-inducing Alexander can also attest.

Avoid seeing this film at all costs.